We blew into some cartridges that we found in the Backroom and fired up our favourite devices. Here’s a comprehensive rundown of all the video games of which you should be aware in 2023 and Avey’s thoughts about them:
7. Cyberpunk 2077 (2020)
I played a couple hours of the free demo, but it turns out there’s more to this game than the genital selection menu in the character creator. I haven’t picked it up again, but my co-worker says it’s pretty good now that they’ve fixed the bugs.
Rating: 10/10 cyborg twink generator
6. Weird West (2022)
I only played it for an hour or two before it evoked in me the overwhelming urge to start a new Red Dead file. So I deleted it to clear up space. Then I remembered the tedious snow intro, so I went back to playing Skyrim in Survival Mode.
Rating: probably a good game, but not as weird as the actual west
5. Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War (2020)
Buckle up, we’re back in ‘Nam. Following in the tradition of games like America’s Army, CoD Cold War is triple distilled 100% pure grain premium US propaganda. The story revolves around Operation Greenlight, ‘a top secret American program that secretly planted neutron bombs in every major European city to deny their use to the Soviets in the event of an invasion’. I hope the gang is next stationed in Solitude because I hear the Imperial Legion is recruiting.
I didn’t really get into the Multiplayer aspect because if I wanted to interact with people instead of pixels, I wouldn’t be festering in my man cave. My roommate logged many hours in the warzone, though, so I can ask him about it if you’re interested.
Rating: 332 million eagles screeching for freedom
4. God of War (2018)
Initially, I lamented the repetitive nature of this game’s combat mechanics. (I typically prefer it when 90% of gameplay involves navigating branching file systems.) Then it was 1am two days later, and I’d finally located the Jötunheim rune. So far, I’ve played for 41 hours.
Rating: Fuck. Yeah.
3. The Last of Us (2013)
I found it kinda weird that Pittsburgh was largely unaffected by the apocalypse. Its virtual rendering was the spitting image of the town I lived in back in the ‘10s.
Rating: you can’t go home again, but you can play The Last of Us
2. PC Building Simulator (2018)
I wish I’d played this game in 2018 when I told my dissertation supervisor that I was going to build a PC, but then I just broke a Raspberry Pi instead.
Rating: 9/10 on Steam and in our hearts
1. Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim (2011)
I went for a bonkers build on this run: Khajiit Stormcloak Conjurer. I played in Survival Mode until I realised that Bjorlam can’t park outside of Winterhold, and the journey between the ivory mage tower and Ulfric’s nationalistic basecamp quickly became one of the most pointed metaphors of the civil war.
Rating: This is still the indisputably best game ever created except for –
0. Majora’s Mask (2000)
Tell me this isn’t art. Tell me this isn’t poetry. Tell me this isn’t beauty. You cannot.
Bonus points: Clock Town bears a striking resemblance to Prague.
Rating: You’ve been met with a terrible fate, haven’t you? (opting for PS+ instead of Switch Online)
Desert Wi-Fi Media 